


Captain America swears: he just regrets doing it.

by Nemhaine42



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, by uploading i symbolically rid myself of it, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-05
Updated: 2014-07-05
Packaged: 2018-02-07 14:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1902426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemhaine42/pseuds/Nemhaine42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Public displays of affection do make people very uncomfortable and there are worse interpretations of that than making out on an escalator.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain America swears: he just regrets doing it.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance.

The thing about SHIELD being defunct, was that it meant you had to be more economic with your resources. There was no longer a large pool of experienced agents to rely on. Which was how Steve found himself bringing along a civilian for a mission to apprehend and detain. Darcy Lewis was _really_ not an agent, but Thor vouched for her. She was a decent getaway driver and shared Natasha’s talent for ‘subverting digital security features.’ But her main selling point for this op was that no-one had much of a clue who she was.

 

They were set up to arrest an illegal arms dealer, with suspected connections to human trafficking, but he was twitchy and not stupid. He was holed up in a hotel in the ass-end of nowhere, with a large array of armed guards. Guards who were obviously aware someone was gunning for them. There were regular patrols and radio check-ins. But apart from that? You could hear a pin drop. It was unlikely Steve and Natasha would be able to dispose of the guards without spooking the target. Falcon was undercover in the room on one side, Hawkeye and Lewis posing as a couple in the other. Clint and Sam being the only ones with half-decent covers left in place, and Darcy requiring no acting at all. Sam’s TV turned up loud did nothing to distract their target from checking in with his team, so Steve needed Hawkeye to create a diversion.

 

“Cap to Hawkeye,” he whispered down the comms, “This gap in the patrol is our best bet, get his his attention and hold it long enough for us to move in.”

 

“You don’t think both his neighbours blasting The Tonight Show is a little suspect?”

 

“Do something else then. I don’t care what, just get me a fucking distraction.”

 

It turned out that that had been the wrong thing to say. Steve and Natasha entered the target’s room to find him banging on the wall, trying to get Clint and Darcy to shut the hell up. It was only after the target was restrained on the floor and cuffed that Steve fully registered the loud and enthusiastic sex noises emanating from next door, accompanied by the requisite thumping of the headrest.

 

“Smartass,” Steve grumbled under his breath before giving the all clear, “Okay, stand down guys. We’re good here.”

 

That brought Sam through from his room to assist but didn’t stem the passionate sounds of rising climax. Steve coughed awkwardly, “Okay, I said stand down.”

 

Nada, except for a pretty convincing impression of mutual orgasm.

 

“Hawkeye! Lewis! That’s enough,” Steve demanded. When that elicited still nothing, Steve stomped over to the window they’d come in by, before Falcon grabbed his arm to halt him.

 

Sam leaned in and muttered, “That sounded pretty real to me, man.”

 

“Barton might be a wise guy but he’s not _that_ unprofessional,” Steve said, lowering himself out through the window and onto the fire escape, ignoring further protest from Natasha. He jimmied open the window next door and yanked back the curtain.

 

“Hawkeye! Did you take out your damn earpie- _JESUS!_ ”

 

Okay, so Sam was right. And maybe he should have seen it coming just a little bit, given the ease with which Darcy and Clint fell into their roles as loved-up holidaymakers. The sounds of Darcy and Clint having sex seemed real because they _were_ real. Steve’s abrupt entrance revealed the pair clearly basking in the cuddly aftermath stage of the process. Clint, with the sheets tangled around his feet, shot his head up from Darcy’s chest and raised himself up to give her some shred of modesty.

 

“Hey! Ocupado here, Cap!” Clint yelled, while Darcy tried to curl into herself with a yelp. Steve turned his head and squeezed his eyes shut, but found the sight of Clint’s bare backside burned into his retinas and slapped his hand over his face like it would help.

 

“Ugh! Just no… why… I mean, what the fuck!?” he spluttered. No matter how much he shook his head, the image just wouldn’t go away.

 

“What the hell did you think we were doing? Dancing the Macarena?” Barton retorted angrily, “You asked for ‘a fucking distraction’ and I gave you one!” He turned back to Darcy with a stupid grin, “Gave you one too, right baby?”

 

Darcy pulled down hard on his ear.

 

\--

 

Their target securely carted away for questioning, Steve finally found it in him to look Natasha and Sam in the face without dying of shame. Not that Natasha helped.

 

“I don’t want to say I told you so, but I know what Barton sounds like when he cums.”

 

“Thanks, Nat,” Steve had never felt so unimpressed.

 

Eventually Clint wandered over grumpily, still fixing his belt, with Darcy and her sex-ruffled hair sauntering behind him.

 

“You could hurt a guy’s feelings reacting like that, Cap. I know I’m not the God of Thunder, but my ass can’t be that bad,” Clint snipped.

 

“I think your ass is pretty cute,” Darcy added flippantly.

 

Steve tried hard not to scowl at Darcy, not when chewing Clint out felt much better, “Your mind wasn’t on the job. You endangered both your lives, you endangered the mission. And, frankly, you were taking advantage.”

 

“It worked, didn’t it? Otherwise we’d all be high-tailing it out of here because you couldn’t take out some guys without making a ruckus!”

 

“Uh, excuse you. No advantage taken,” said Darcy, although Clint and Cap took little notice.

 

The two looked ready to get up in each other’s faces about it. Hawkeye and Captain America coming to blows over a little embarrassment would be a bad result, especially considering the mission was successful. So Natasha slammed the jeep door shut and decided to slice through their bruised ego bullshit.

 

“Enough!”

 

She fixed them each in turn with a sharp glare, “Hawkeye: you’re a smart alec, and don’t take out your earpiece.”

 

Clint stuffed his hands in his pockets.  

 

“Cap: you gave instructions, he took them literally, get over it.”

 

Steve sighed gruffly.

 

“Darcy?” Natasha relaxed considerably, “You’re right, his butt is cute. Did you find the spot on the back of his neck? ‘Cause he won’t tell you about that.”

 

\--

 

Everyone piled back into the jeep for the drive back to base. Darcy driving, Natasha riding shotgun, and the boys all stuffed in the back seat, awkwardly ignoring each other’s presence. The girls carried on their conversation; a highly enlightening experience ranging from ‘Clint Barton’s sweet spots’ to ‘clitoral stimulant toys’, but also detouring to ‘the advantages of contraceptive implants’ and ‘why guys who refuse to wear condoms should be shot’. Just as Steve was struggling with the deja vu of those traumatizing medical slides the Army doctors had shown them, a thought occurred to him. SHIELD regulations had stated to leave a site much and such as you found it, and not to leave anything behind that someone might be able to trace you by. You were supposed to be invisible, undetectable.

 

“I know I’m going to regret this as soon as it leaves my mouth but…” he turned to Clint in the middle, “did you just leave a condom in a hotel room that this guy’s crime syndicate and the cops are going to be all over as soon as we release it? DNA tracing is a thing, right?”

 

“What do you think I am? Stupid?” Clint sneered, “It’s in my pocket.”

 

“ _Oh God_ ,” the entire jeep groaned in disgust.

  
“Okay, from now on, Natasha handles the civilians!” Sam yelled. 


End file.
